I have a bad feeling in
my heart. I wish I could turn it into poetry, but all I can do is to turn it
into more and more pain.
I wish things weren’t
like they are right now. I feel tired, odd, and this persistent weight inside
my chest is making me want to puke.
But my throat is
closed. Something is stopping things to come out. Both vomit and words.
I got these mixed
feelings of envy, hate, and sadness. I watch people on screen who are exactly
who I ever wanted to be; who have exactly everything I ever wished I had.
I feel so odd when I’m
depressed. It’s like I want to throw myself down every pair of stairs I see, or
every window, or any other high place from where I can jump and reach the cold
gray ground and sleep forever peacefully.
I wish I had some smoke
to blow.
The unfitting feeling.
The “I don’t belong here” feeling. It all makes me so sad I can’t even move my
fingers without wanting to cry. Cry, until it all disappears. All the fog. All
the people. All the bad looks and surly words and all the sound that’s deafening.
When I’m depressed like
this, it feels like I’m not myself. I’m not there. I’m not anywhere. I’m a numb
conscience wandering the city. The house. I sit here and there and walk and it
just don’t feel like I’m really existing. I’m a ghost. I got no sensations.
Someone could hit me real hard and I still wouldn’t feel a thing.
There’s no hope. I’m
stuck here forever. I’m imprisioned in a pathetic life. I look around and see
others like me and I think “oh my God, I don’t want to be taken for a fool, I
want people to recognize me, to admire me, to want to be me”.
I don’t know what I
gotta start doing to get what I want. I don’t know which path to follow. I don’t
know anything. I’m stupid when it comes to face my own life.
